The Confession

Yes !!! , I finally told my parents that i am an atheist. I have been waiting for this moment for years. My bro joined me halfway during the confession. For him it was more of a final clarification because he had already given strong hints to my parents.

It started with a call from one of my relatives after reading my blog. Although she is a devout Christian, she was really open to the idea of atheism. She was of the opinion that i am having these thoughts because my life has been pretty decent and that i would start believing in the existence of god once i have a particular "experience" that would, sort of, bring me back on track. I said i am eagerly waiting for that "experience". This call and such an open conversation was very unexpected and i really enjoyed it. Since she was close to my mom, i asked her if she could talk to my mom about me being an atheist. She agreed. I informed my bro. He said that a phone call wont do and an in-person talk would be better. So i asked him to request her to go and have a personal talk with my mom.

That weekend, i was planning to go home to mumbai as usual. I was excited by the fact that by the time i reach home, she would have conveyed the information to my mom and i was contemplating my mom's reactions to it. But then somehow she couldn't talk to mom and i had to do the job on my own. But, my bro was not so excited about it. He said "You'll talk to mom and go back to pune. I am the one who is gonna be at home. I have to deal with mom's reactions. Why do u want to do this so early?" I said "Its already too late. This should have been done long back".

So, it was clear now. i had to do it on my own. i decided to take help of my colleague, an atheist.Not just because he is an atheist(who had already told his parents about it) but mainly because he is damn good at putting things in the right words. So, after our company update meeting on friday, the three of us, me, him and another colleague(a theist), had a discussion about this. i told him the things that i wanted to convey to my mom and asked him how to put it properly considering the fact that my mom is a little close minded and orthodox, at least when it comes to religion. So he said "doing it gradually is the key thing. be slow, it wont happen in a day. you need to give hints and then talk about it." I listened and listened till he was done. He was so good at it that the other colleague said "you should have been a politician dude!".

I finally reached mumbai and my mom didn't even have a hint that i was gonna.... . Ate an awesome lunch with fish and other dishes prepared in coconut oil, yum yum. I was somehow gathering the courage to do IT. my parents went for an afternoon nap. mom somehow woke up early and started reading a newspaper. she asked me what was the 'vishesham' (Malayalam for 'special news/happenings') in pune. i said everything was fine. then it started. I don't remember the entire conversation but it went something like this.

"Mom, i have something to say to you. but, you have to promise me that you will listen to it carefully and think over it before coming to any conclusions or making any decisions.
I am not comfortable with going to the church, being part of the rituals and the prayers.
I have lots of doubts regarding these rituals, prayers and abt god. participating in them is only meaningful only if u agree with them and understand them. "

"Since when did you have these doubts?"

"Since years ma, may be when i started with my engineering. thats almost 4 yrs. I have been going to church, standing for evening prayers, only for you because i love you ma and i didn't want to hurt you. I was scared of telling you this because i didn't know how you would react. Do u know why i hesitated coming to mumbai on every weekend? because i knew i would have to participate in these rituals against my wishes. i wanted to come home at least on alternate weekends, but this is what made me not to. "

"So you don't believe in god?"

"As per my current knowledge and understanding, no. But the moment i am convinced that there is a "god", i'll be back. I am an adult and i am completely responsible for my own decisions. You don't have to worry about me ma, you know i am not gonna become a 'bad' guy . you know that, the way you have raised me, thats not gonna happen. Why do u care about what the world has to say? What we should care about is how much we understand each other as a family. I am not disrespecting your beliefs or asking you to follow my path. I just want you to accept mine. And its not that i am the only one who is having these doubts. Do u know that some of my friends back in college days were atheists and agnostics? in the world atleast 10% of the people are atheists. statistics doesnt matter anyways, i would have been an atheist even if i was the only one on the planet."

she cried a little here n there in between the conversation.

I also asked for her most convincing argument for the existence of god. i don't remember exactly what she said and what i said. In fact, we even discussed some of the questions that i had put forth in my "email to god" post. my bro also gave in some inputs midway. finally it was over.

but there was a problem. my dad still didn't know about this. he was still in his siesta. We(me n my bro) didn't attend the evening/night family prayer. My dad thought we were sleeping and hence we didn't attend. but i was doing something with my comp, he comes and asks me.

"Why didnt u attend the prayer?"

" i have told mom abt it. ask her"

"no, you tell me."

"i am not comfortable...."

"So you don't believe in God?".

"no, not currently".(damn, whatever happened to doing things gradually)

"So, you have made up your mind with this decision"

"Dad, its based on my current knowledge and might change later on"

"So, you have finally decided to choose a path to your doom"

""

He was visibly very upset. I didn't talk to him. Just before he went to bed I said,

"Dad, i want to talk to you about this. can we talk tomorrow."

"ok, go and sleep now."

My mom then had a talk with him before sleep i guess.There was no talk on the next day(sunday). I didn't goto church with my parents and my relatives asked me why. I said "i dont want to." and then there was the usual "advice" session. i managed to cut it short by saying a "hmm" to all that they said. after that, it was back to normal. phew, what an "experience".